I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
