I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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