Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
