I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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