....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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