I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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