I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
