I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I have fence marks all over my body
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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