C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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