When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
