guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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