I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
