tonight lets celebrate not being married
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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