Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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