swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
