My friends, they love my intelligence
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I need to stop coming to work sober
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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