you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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