so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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