Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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