this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
