He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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