Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
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Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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