Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
