I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
