We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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