I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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