No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
