i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
