I got chris browned last night
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
