cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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