Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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