I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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