i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
