so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
