Can Purell be used as lube?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You took a bar mat shot.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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