Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
did i just pee glitter
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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