Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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