I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
