my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
