I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
