Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
