when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
is that a dick in a sweater?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
