i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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