I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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