Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
