Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
