New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
