Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
my liver is dry heaving
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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