I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
