i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she told me i tasted like america
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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