I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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