home. puking in laundry basket.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
