I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
