this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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