i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
