I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
