are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
